Uncle Marketing Martyr

Want to get in on the ground floor of a burgeoning industry? Want REAL return on investment?

I’m not talking Bitcoin or Forex or Norwex or CBD or essential oils.

No – I’m talking making a REAL difference while making REAL money!

What I’m talking about is the purchasing of lives in order to promote a brand. My good buddy Dr. Safak mentioned getting a tattoo as the next wave of marketing. I think we can do better than that.

Why stop at a tattoo of your logo when you can purchase my ENTIRE LIFE?!?!

I’m talking EVERYTHING – and I’m offering myself up as the guinea pig to ONE lucky brand, business, religion, cult, sub-cult, harebrained idea, soft-minded cause or just some dude that wants to get famous as the guy that started the FUTURE OF ADVERTISING!!!

You get to call the shots. I’m not just talking promotional stunts, which I’ll absolutely do. I’m talking everything down to the type of toilet paper I buy. YOU GET TO RULE OVER IT AAAAAAALLLLL!!!!!

You can televise it. YouTube it. Facebook and Instagram the HELL out of it! I’ll promote your business with the most valuable of resources – EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY I HAVE LEFT ON THIS EARTH!!!

Truman Show? Nah – The Jimbo Show.

Think of the possibilities! THIS IS THE FIRST OFFER OF IT’S KIND!!! NOT ONLY DO YOU GET ME – BUT YOU GET EVERYTHING ABOUT MY LIFE!!! That’s a wife and 5 kids. An orange dog! A silver minivan. Bad feet and weird hair! YOU GET IT ALL!!!

Since this is SUCH a massive value, I’m going to have to hold a lottery of sorts. I’m already figuring that McDonalds is gonna want to be in on the bidding – and they have deep pockets – but I want to be fair. This isn’t about money. It’s about forming a partnership and forever changing the landscape of marketing.

You get my life. My every moment – but you also buy into what is sure to be the most talked-about event in marketing since New Coke.

In the future, people will write doctoral theses about this. YOU (you lucky, lucky person) and Uncle Jimbo™ will have revolutionized not only marketing – but we will have finally put to rest the argument about what a human life is worth!!!

Let’s start the bidding.